I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize