Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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