Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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