Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
