I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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