my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
