8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
