You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
