the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
