so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
