She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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