I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A+ Viking dick
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
