Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
foreskin is a definite game changer
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
