i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
