The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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