i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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