At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
