Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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