Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
