I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
