she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
