New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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