my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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