just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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