I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
