you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
