4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
