to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
