Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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