Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
