Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
