They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
