i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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