sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
