You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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