I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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