why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
