I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
