You smell like a Billy Joel song
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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