he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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