ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
