then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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