i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
