Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
