How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
