Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
