At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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