Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
