I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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