Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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