come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
