i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
