remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
