I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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