Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
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It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
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You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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