who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
